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Increase in rail fares to pay for improved 'buffet creeps'

Ministers argued that under a nationalised system, Britain's unwanted weirdos fell into a state of disrepair. While others say that the Beeching Report was in error closing a third of the countries sex offenders, including 2,363 under-used local fetishists.

A transport spokesman explained: 'We will be offering first class deviants for the discerning business commuter. High speed rail links from Birmingham to Manchester and Leeds, promises 21st century sexual predators, with a range of charming regional accents. Only the private sector can offer year on year fare hikes, while guaranteeing an unpleasant sexual encounter that will haunt you for the rest of your life. Oh... and you get a free newspaper!'

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