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ITV commentator in training for full meltdown tonight

'On Wednesday, I pretty much aced the last minute of the England-Denmark match for TV viewers with a hysterical and possibly psycho-sexual gush of verbal diarrhoea, which went “Call your boss, you ain’t coming in in the morning. You deserve this. England deserve this. Feel it, ride it.”

'But that was just a semi-final. Now I must up the ante for the final so that I can really stick it to our Scottish, Welsh and Irish viewers with a truly monumental tirade of English jingoism. I have been reading Shakespearean soliloquies and the poetry of Rudyard Kipling for inspiration and I have decided that in the event of victory my immortal words will be: "England have won! Very much so! Albion Gloriana!"

'After that, the synapses in my brain will fuse together and I will run off at the mouth uncontrollably, urging the world's population to kiss Gareth Southgate's ring.'

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