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Jeremy Corbyn’s Premier League do’s and don’ts

As the 2019/20 Premier League season kicks off this weekend, the Labour leader disseminates advice on ‘the beautiful game’ for the militant lefty.


Write to a senior civil servant demanding they block the Premier League until the embargo against the free movement of players between clubs is resolved.

Cry bourgeois elitism when it’s explained the embargo is a universally accepted transfer window.


Attend games in person. If you must, do as I did watching Cluj versus Celtic in Romania last week; admit to your attendance but claim you weren’t involved. This works for any event where plausible deniability is a necessity when in the glare of the capitalist propaganda outlets.


Only acknowledge the talents of a team’s left-winger, or anyone left-footed. Observe only through your left eye.


Condemn your team’s player for recklessly tackling an opponent. Instead condemn all tackles and commission a public inquiry into the incumbent administration’s failure to devote adequate resources year-on-year to tackle tackling.

Do: Publicly denounce the process of deciding the winning team and the part played by the victorious dictatorial Prime Manager to be a wholly unconstitutional un-democratic feudal throwback at every opportunity, yet never wither from the all-consuming desire to be a victorious dictatorial Prime Manager yourself.


Pick a Premier League team to support until the end of the season and the outcome of the fascistic gladiatorial façade is revealed. Then pick Arsenal.

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