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Johnson senior to head up research in to distance apples fall from trees

Updated: Nov 28, 2021

The Labour Party has expressed outrage that Stanley Johnson, father of the Prime Minister, has been awarded a contract to head up research into how far apples fall from trees.

'It's a travesty and a complete waste of public money,' said a Labour spokesman today, 'because we all know the distance an apple can fall is strictly limited by the tree height, the acceleration due to gravity and the frictional coefficient of grass. Newton could have answered this question in the Seventeenth Century, and Johnson senior could have asked him himself had he gone to the right schools.'

Other objectors think the physics angle is the wrong issue. 'It's not about the science, it's about the lack of opportunity for others better qualified to apply,' said a Lib Dem spokesman. 'There was no job advert, no interview and no attempt to set an appropriate wage for the job,' he said.

A spokesman for the Prime Minister's father disagreed with all the complaints. 'Mr Johnson is too busy to respond directly as he needs to ensure he has suitable administrative support. He's sleeping with a couple of applicants this afternoon and if the blue pill works he'll be sleeping with a couple more this evening before making his decision,' he said.


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