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Kimjongunism: An ideology so new Gwyneth Paltrow hasn’t adopted it yet

Updated: Nov 28, 2021

It’s another of those handy Newsbiscuit guides.

Kim Jong Un

He has an ism. Not many World Leaders have an ism. That’s very special to have an ism bestowed upon oneself, even if it has been bestowed by oneself. Now Kimjongunism can be added to narcissism, feudalism, and totalitarianism.


Life is a full-time education, beginning early in the morning with daily worship before an oversized photo of the Great Leader. Candles optional but they are a nice touch. Kimjongunism is the only lesson. History? There is none. Geography? There is nothingness outside North Korea. Maths? Only if you count the infinite blessings bestowed upon you. Forget them, you are the only subjects that matter. Adhere to His teachings and you won’t get detention, or, as it’s more commonly known, summary execution.


Under the generous benevolence of this great philanthropist, you will lack for nothing. A roof over your head, albeit with eaves dropping, clothes on your back, of uniform size, and food on your table. There is no grain of truth in rumours of food shortages. Just eat your shoe leather and stop belly-aching.


Nobody can surpass the sporting achievements of The Great Leader. A winner of every sporting competition ever held in North Korea. A man who can shoot a bow fifty metres at a moving target pinned to the back of a dissident, whilst riding bareback and signing death warrants for his nearest and dearest. Also, World Keepie-Uppie Champion, and we’re not talking football, Ladies.


Bow down before the one and only Great Leader. Ignore any who have gone before claiming that title. Remove their photos, paintings and statues. Revere only one man now. Talking about my veneration. With Kim Jong Un you can taste the deference.

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