Having abandoned their plans to end private school charitable status, Labour insisted shooting the policy in the face was the humane thing to do. Explained one zoologist: 'Without other policies to breed with, it would've faded away or been rehomed by the Greens.'
Originally called 'promises', then 'pledges', Sir Keir finally settled for the less ambiguous 'things I tell voters to trick them'. Having abandoned more policies than Boris Johnson has wives, Sir Keir has established a reputation for unparalleled duplicity, known as the Pinocchio Effect.
Complained one voter: 'He's always been an authoritarian charlatan, with no ethics whatsoever...so, in his defence, that's one policy he's stuck to.'