Lady of the Lake gives Andy Murray a magical racket

The hero of the nation will now have access to a series of medieval rights; including eating swans, mating with any beefeater of ‘child bearing’ age and being allowed to punch the Queen’s corgis on the first of every month. The Lady said he was an ideal choice with his strong maternal forearms, nurturing grimace and ability to lactate Irn Bru.

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