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Lib Dem conference 'now needs a second trestle table'

At their party conference, Liberal Democrats have been working out the implications of a post-Tory electoral landscape - including electoral relevance.

Lib Dem volunteer Amy Armstrong said, 'As Keir Starmer is basically a compassionate Conservative these days, the Liberal Democrats are the furthest left of all mainstream parties. We've got a £5bn-a-year care free social plan, making Ed Davey a whimsical Che Guevara.'

'What if we actually get lots of MPs? It means we might need to pay the restaurant a deposit for our Christmas meal. If we organise a nice day out sailing, we're gonna need a bigger boat.'

'If we go mainstream, will our hardcore fans prefer our early stuff? So much admin. I almost preferred it when we were shit. Hopefully we don't Nick Clegg it up again.'

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