In an act of contrition Lib Dems have agreed to undergo a series of medieval tasks to make amends for the disappointment that is Nick Clegg. Wearing sackcloth and ashes, the guilt-ridden members will be touring local constituencies encouraging the electorate to hurl rotten vegetables at them to aid the process of repentance.
Lib Dem activists have mentioned a growing suspicion that the party logo is looking less like a bird of freedom and more like a sycophantic aspiring maggot. Said one: ‘Our MPs rub the dispatch box with all the perverse glee of a Nazgul on crystal meth. I’d flagellate myself but I’ll probably just be flogging a dead horse’.