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Lost phone panic now entering its third minute

Updated: Jul 19, 2023

Hope is starting to fade, as the search for the mobile belonging to Elly Woodcock (15) has reached the 197th second or the 'point of no return' according to her younger brother, Tom (a cynical 9). Emergency services were contacted after the sixth attempt to ring the misplaced mobile proved futile, leaving Elly with no choice but to barricade her bedroom and submerge herself in her vinyl collection of Morrissey.

Police have said that they fear the worst and suspect that the treasured iPhone5 may have been stripped down for parts and shipped off to a Taiwanese sweat shop - to be ironically reassembled as an iPhone7. The public have been asked to keep a look out for the phone - which is described as medium build, with a cracked screen and floral phone case 'that defies belief'.

The Woodcock family have done little to resolve the situation with fatuous questions like 'Where did you last see it?', 'Have you looked behind the sofa?' and 'Why don't you use your Dad's spare Nokia instead?'. Granny Woodcock's unhelpful suggestion that Elly could use the landline was greeted with the derision it deserved and an open threat of a care-home place by Elly.

A Facebook group '#FindOurPhones' has been set up to highlight Elly's plight, although sadly she is unable to access the group herself. Meanwhile her mother has attributed Elly's disproportionate panic to exam stress, although Tom has suggested it might have something to do with Elly spending the last month 'sexting like a bitch on heat'.

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