'I know it's not the same,' said Jake (38). 'But it's better than shouting into the void and its more reliable than Mastodon.' Users will need to be patient and take turns, but Jake is clear, they can post anything - as long as it fits in an envelope. 'I can't guarantee everything will get read, but on the upside, you won't get any pedants correcting your spelling.'
Jake will also offer an authentication service, whereby anyone paying $8 a month gets a 'I know Jake and he knows me' pin badge - which is substantially more reliable than the Twitter equivalent. Most users will have the basic package of yelling something racist through the hole, but this will be offset by getting glimpses of Jake's cat doing something cute.
'And if you really want an authentic Twitter experience, you can shit through my letter box.'