Man seeks restraining order against his Narrator
Dave Sanders, 34, of Stevenage, began legal proceedings today seeking a restraining order against his Narrator, saying that his life had been made intolerable by the constant banal and intrusive commentary.
Sanders said he first noticed the voice-over to his life after becoming a devotee of documentaries and reality shows, but it gradually took on a life of its own. ‘It started as an occasional voice in my head, generally making an obvious statement followed by a meaningless rhetorical question, such as: “Dave really needs a cup of tea, but will he remember where he left the teabags?”.’
After a while Dave began to feel he was being watched, and then other people started to hear the voice too. ‘I’d be like talking to my boss and the voice over would say “Dave is trying to impress the new Head of Human Resources – but did she notice him glance at her cleavage?”’
Things then took a further turn for the worse when he invaded Dave’s social life. ‘I was never that confident telling jokes,’ said Dave, ‘so I was a bit miffed when the Narrator appeared in the pub next to me and my mates saying “Dave is about to deliver the punch-line, but will he cock it up like he did last week?” The final straw was when he materialised while I was in bed with my girlfriend, saying: “Dave is ready to come now, but will he be able to hold off until Lisa is satisfied?”’
Sanders said that he was confident that his legal application will succeed, at which point a voice continued ‘…but is that confidence really justified?’