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Markets crash over Martin/Paltrow split

Often seen as the perfect yoga couple, they provided inspiration for thousands of similar scrawny artists, in need of a good wash and some home cooking. Explained one analyst: ‘No one can replace Chris’ insipid ballads or Gwyneth’s patronizing lifestyle advice’.

Mr. Martin found fame with his iconic ode to a dehydrated urinary stream – ‘Yellow’, while Ms. Paltrow is renowned for her reprising her role as ‘bland, fawning, blonde girl’ in twenty-eight sequels to the Iron Man franchise. ‘It’s almost as if a light has been extinguished. A rather smug, some would say skinny light’.

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