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Meta transcends everything but definitely isn’t watching you, Big Brother insists

Updated: Jan 10, 2022

The holding company for Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp has rebranded as Meta, which company spokespersons insist is in no way a creepy reminder that it can see and hear pretty much everything except your dreams. For now, anyway.

“I mean: we publish our privacy policy but no-one believes it; and we don’t publish what we actually know ‘cos… you know - reasons. But mostly money. The world is just jealous we made our mint from your cat videos. Which we haven’t seen obvs.”

Industry analysts had wondered whether this particular choice of rebrand would prove counterproductive for a company facing repeated privacy and marketplace competition concerns.

“I knew you’d say that”, said CEO Mark Zuckerberg, before checking his notes: “ah - er, I mean our new name is meant to say ‘you can always find us’, not ‘we can always find you’. Yeah - nailed it.”

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