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Metric martyrs chain-ed in a bushel and peck-ed furlong time

Supermarket shelves may be empty, but that zero may need no longer be measured in metric.

Greengrocer Bob Bridlington says he once served 10 years in an EU maximum security prison for using imperial measurements, adding: ‘I deliberately cannot understand that 1000 grams is 1 kilogram. I prefer 16 drachms per ounce, 16 ounces per pound, then inexplicably 14 pounds per stone. Then 112 pounds per hundredweight, as God intended. We should ban apostrophe’s too because it feels European and I forget not to use them for plural’s.’

Scientist Shelley Stevenson asked ‘5 fluid ounces per gill, but 4 gills per pint. 3 barleycorns per inch but also 22 yards per furlong. What? Do I have to buy black market beakers now?’

A Tory strategist noted ‘Michael Gove is converting his cocaine order as we speak. Also, there’ll be more Olympic medals for Team GB because yards are shorter than metres, so we’ll have a head start.’

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