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Microsoft launch Woid for wiseguys



Tech giant Microsoft has released a version of Word, it’s best-selling word processing software for goodfellas looking to do fancy writing. Representatives of organisations with Sicilian heritage in the New York area met with Microsoft executives to ask a special favour, and make a nice software package that writes in wiseguy, just for them. Programmer Darius Melville explained: “At first we suggested they just use Google Translate software. Then they suggested they might translate caps from a 9mm into our asses. We got to work straightaway. “So now ‘Woid’ is ready for launch. It’s a fully-featured version of Word where any form of input is output in wiseguy. The software employs an intuitive detector to determine which key in a group was meant to be pressed if the user has unusually large fingers sporting heavy gold rings, or typing with a piece in his hand. “Text is converted in real-time to wiseguy using one of two modes of intonation: ‘With respect’ or ‘Dead to me’. Sentences are grammar corrected to include double negatives, and the space key function is replaced by six different ‘Silence’ keys: ‘Intense’, Knowing’, ‘Shrug’, ‘Shtum’, ‘Omertà’ and ‘Sleeps with fishes’. Praise for initial beta-testing was universal: “It’s freakin’ A” said Tommy Two Teeth. “Any stoopid, cockamamie, ugly, twisted, winky-faced, mother-f**kin’ semi-colon that shows up out of context at my cursor can now go kiss my sweet ass!”, expressed Angle-Grinder Paulie. Melville concluded: “And of course it’s free, as a special favour. But strangely, there were four frozen beef carcasses and a case of whisky found on Microsoft’s doorstep this morning, and Apple’s share price seems to be plummeting.”



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