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Middle class meltdown as Waitrose closes stores

Many of Britain’s middle class have been placed on suicide watch following yesterday’s news that Waitrose is to close seven of its supermarkets. Conchita Marquez-Pommeroy, a devotee of the Waitrose brand who lives in Kensington and does all of her shopping with the retailer said: ‘This is very concerning development and although thankfully our local store is safe for now.’

‘Roger my husband told me he doesn’t want to have to source his Duchy Original product ranges online, as he is perfectly happy for me to pay ridiculously over the odds just to retain the convenience of being able to pop them, ever so easy-peasy into my trolley in-store.’

Already there have been reports of panic buying and widespread hoarding from customers whose local branches are closing, with stocks of Quail eggs, Shiitake mushrooms, Iberico ham and Nduja sausage said to be running perilously low.

One tearful shopper, speaking this morning from behind the wheel of her BMW X6 as she waited for the doomed Marlow branch to open sobbed: ‘What a betrayal, what a kick in the teeth this is. And talk about rubbing our noses in the dirt! As if it’s not bad enough that they’re closing our store… I have found out that it’s being sold to… L-L-L-L Lidl.’

However, not all are despondent at the news. One estate agent, who asked for his name to be withheld, said that business has boomed since the news emerged. ‘Affected people are desperate to move to the catchment area of a Waitrose that is saying open,’ said Colin Purple-Bricks. ‘People whose branches are being closed or worse are really panicking. House prices have fallen by over 15% in some areas.’

Hat tip Mick Turate

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