Millions of God-fearing Christians from around the planet, but predominantly located in the mid-west of the United States, have woken up on the ninth of April disappointed to realise that not only have they woken up but the much-publicised Rapture has failed to happen.
Some have blamed it on the eclipse, pointing out that the moon is in an advanced waning crescent phase, almost a new moon. 'If the moon is virtually invisible, how can it block out the sun?' asked a God-fearing red-neck from Little Rock, which was perfectly aligned with the eclipse route. 'If that didn't confuse God, what would?' he asked. Another red-neck decided the recent move to daylight saving time caused complications. 'Rapture probably did happen, but the clocks were different and God decided to reschedule,' he suggested.
Christians of a certain persuasion are keen to learn the new projected date for the end of all mankind. Many are growing sceptical as there have been around thirty 'Raptures' in most middle-aged persons lives. The US Government has admitted that the failure of the Rapture, again, truly is a disappointment. It means the people who expected to wake up dead will still be around to vote for Donald Trump, which is likely to be a fate far worse.
This is quite the read! It's fascinating how many explanations people come up with for these predictions not coming true. It seems like every 'Rapture' date brings a mix of anticipation and disappointment. Maybe it's time to take a break from these prophecies and focus on living in the moment. As for the voting bit, well, let's just say the future remains unpredictable in more ways than one! basketball stars