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Most emails now delivered by van

Rather than use virtual means to buy and sell goods, many entrepreneurs are relying on vans to transport their messages, even resorting to carrier pigeons to send invoices; with ferrets still being the preferred method of file transfer. One businesswoman explained: ‘It’s just more reliable to send things via van. Too often you get caught up in junk mail filters. At least with a van you can be sure that message gets there –along with a sweaty guy wearing tracksuit bottoms’.

Unbeknown to most phone users, text messages are not sent by satellite but are generated by trained ants crawling over your mobile screen. Likewise, ‘cashless’ sales simply involve a St. Bernard carrying a money-box a few steps behind the oblivious credit card user. Sadly, most consumers’ broadband coverage will be limited to the availability of maritime flag semaphores.

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