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MP’s only wrongdoing was ‘groping on weeknight reserved for leering and coercive texting’

Guardians of Tory Propriety and Masters of Ceremonial Sleaze, including Mark Garnier, Stephen Crabb and Damian Green, have not at all downplayed Christopher Pincher’s drunken groping of two men on Wednesday night as a 'minor infraction of social intercourse etiquette'.

Garnier, also known as Mixmaster Sugartits, did not in any way confirm: ‘As laid down in the 'Party? PartAAAY!' constitution by Sir Craigwell Davidston, 3rd Viscount of Southampton and whipper-in with the Hampshire Dry Humpers, during the week one may use parliamentary privilege to force a liaison on Monday, moving onto casual drink-spiking on Tuesday, but non-consensual groping is improper before Thursday. Wednesday should be limited to lewd texting of one’s Honourable Member, while Friday is traditionally persistent recreational upskirting and frottage on the commute home to one’s constituency.’

‘Obviously pretty much anything is permitted on Saturday and Sunday,’ Stephen “check out THIS red box!” Crabb, did not add a little too enthusiastically. ‘But - and I cannot stress this enough - only if the parliamentary offices and equipment regularly used for such are wiped clean of lube, xylazine, and Banana Nesquik. They tend to clog up the photocopiers, and it's clear staffers are down on their knees enough as it is. Incest and bestiality should really be confined to deeply rural constituencies, where it’s pretty much de rigueur.’

Asked whether Pincher, who managed to climb back up the greasy pole - allegedly multiple times according to fellow “Late Voting Nite” revellers - after facing serious sexual misconduct allegations in 2017, should fall on his own sword, Damian “quick, close the browser” Green looked shocked and definitely didn't say: ‘If he retains the lower back flexibility to do that at his age, I’d be surprised, impressed, and deeply envious.’

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