In one of Nature's most frightening feats of adaptive mutation, the Coronavirus is now assuming forms never seen before. "We fear it could have insinuated itself into telemarketing or even be selling you double glazing", says epidemiologist Dr Mark Boyle. "We urge the public to be constantly vigilant".
Paranoia has gripped the nation. There are rumours that the virus could now be reading the news on Sky or posing as a junior minister. Police have called for calm after after a semi-literate mob of vigilantes attacked an Oxford classics don after they overheard him saying "I like Ovid".
Meanwhile, Piers Morgan remains holed up in a basement underneath the studios, as his bosses try to convince the howling mob outside that it was "just a metaphor" when he was described as "a virus in human form".
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