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New series of The Repair Shop to not include broken artefacts

As viewers brace themselves for the new series of the popular BBC programme 'The Repair Shop', complete with mugs of tea, Hob-Nobs and a new pack of Kleenex the BBC is warning them that series 12 is going to have a new look and feel. 'We've spent the last eleven series repairing broken artefacts, using heritage skills and painstaking close up shots of complex, filthy objects being methodically cleaned using an earbud dipped in spit, before dropping the same items in a tub of paraffin when off-camera,' said a BBC spokesman today, adding that the broken artefact was supported by a tear-jerking backstory.

'We think we've effectively repaired all the worthwhile tat,' continued the spokesman, 'and this season we've decided to just ignore it. In the first episode we were planning to renovate a 1990s stapler used by someone's granny before she got Alzheimer's, a broken coat hook from a farmhouse kitchen that was remodelled four years ago and is the the only original part that Wren Kitchens left when they danced out of the new, thoroughly modern kitchen and a broken mug with "best dad in the world" on it. We thought "fuck it", the viewers only want to hear the back-story anyway so we've sacked Jay, Steve, Kirsten and the rest, bought a new stapler from W H Smith, a new mug off eBay and thrown the coat hook in the bin.

'In the second episode we're looking at a broken Britain so we've burned the Brexit Withdrawal legislation, re-established all the EU laws and called a General Election. Well, we did say we were getting rid of all the tat,' he said.

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