top of page

New Years resolution list up to three pages long

Andy (not his real name) is feverishly scribbling down potential New Years resolutions in the run up to his in-law's New Year bash.

'I forgot that they not only take it seriously, but you're not allowed to replicate a resolution you or anyone else in the family have previously made.  The problem is, they always do it at eleven pm as a prelude to the countdown and I'm as rat-arsed as a Veterans Minister on Twitter by then.  It's a matter of record I just can't recall anything I've said previously, let alone whatever shit the rest of the family have said in years gone by, even without the booze,' he told our reporter, adding 'and trust me, I can't risk pissing off the in-laws.'.

He knows all the usual pledges are long gone, such as lose weight, give up booze for a month, week or day, Or a minute.  'I failed that one, too,' he admits while acknowledging 'it's his secret'.

'I've pledged to give up sex, but to be fair, that wasn't my choice.  It was when the wife found I'd written a spreadsheet to record it,' he said.

Among other pledges he'd made that he'd failed to complete include stopping lying, stopping the boats, fixing the NHS, halving inflation and growing the economy.  'I pledged to go at least a year in schoolboy trousers and I think I've managed that,' he said.

'Perhaps I'll pledge to lose the election,' he said, his face brightening.  'I think I can do that!'

59 views1 comment

Recent Posts

See All



True story?

bottom of page