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‘No trainers’ rule at polling stations

Citizens hoping to vote at next month’s local elections have been told to “bring photo ID and dress smartly” or risk being turned away.

‘Voting is a solemn civic duty’, a spokesman said. ‘We can’t have riff raff turning up in ripped jeans or trainers. This is a classy country, we don’t want that sort’.

Voter fraud is a massive problem, causing as many as 0.0000001% of votes to be incorrectly cast. The problem has been identified as postal votes, so voters are being advised not to wear trainers when they walk to the postbox and to take a photo of themselves posting the vote, just in case.

Prime Minister Rishi Sunak (yes, really) has been criticised by members of his party for “wasting” the move at the local elections, when it would have more effect at next year’s General Election. ‘Just like Rishi to go off prematurely’, one MP told us. ‘Or so I’ve heard. Boris would have done gerrymandering properly’.

Despite the government’s best efforts, the local elections are likely to be a bloodbath for Conservative councils. Also, despite the government’s best efforts, the pound will continue sinking, inflation will go up, rents will be unaffordable, rivers of shit will flow (apologies to E Powell), children will drown in the Channel, people will die waiting for an ambulance and the world will gaze on, agog, wondering whether the Conservative Party will select “Ozymandias” as its poem of the year.

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