Pop sensation and skimpy outfit aficionado Britney Spears has tacitly confessed to a long-standing, steamy affair with blancmange-faced cabinet minister Michael Gove. Long-time Britney fan Amy Armstrong said: ‘The whole reason Britney wants to end her conservatorship is so she can begin her conservativeship with Michael. She knows he’s toxic, but she’s just a slave 4 him.’
Luke Lawrence, a nightclub bouncer near where Gove lives, said: ‘In the before times, when MG arrived at the club, he’d step out of his Benz dripping in diamonds and snow – straight from the Colombian mountain tops, if you know what I mean. I remember his purple fur cloak and emerald encrusted cane. Once enthroned in his VIP booth, he would settle down with a Peach Schnapps and make it rain PPE contracts. Those Gove Groupies – girls and boys – just lost their minds.’