Pepys Diary: Olympickes

Up early and by coach to the Tower at the invitaion of the British Beheading Committee to witness a gruelling day of Torture.

First, to the Racke. A number of persons of note were tested thereon, but Milord Javid came to the fore with a final length of seven feet. Well played, and he did not cower once, though the inquisitor tested him sorely.

Next to the Water Butte. A small crowd for this event. I might have said Andrew Neil came out on top. However, he did not resurface as his form fitted the barrel so well that none could pull him back out. T'was a sight to see his wig float to the surface.

On the way to the next room, saw Katie Hopkins chained to the wall wearing a Scold's Bridle. She tried to kick out at any who passed but we rejoiced in finding that Harridan's tongue finally quelled.

The next room contained a group of idle vagabonds in stocks. At first, one might find their Trial as naught but, as time passed we could see that Wretches were close to losing their minds. They had spent the whole day listening to one Clare Balding spouting piffle on subjects no-one had any ken of. She spoke of a Skateboard that appears to be a vehicle propelled by leg-power and ridden over obstacles. Madness!

From thence to the Mall for supper. On the way did see two youths thrown from the Tower into the Moat. Tom Daley and Matty Lee did fall as one. They rose from the waters to great acclamation from the persons assembled and were presented with ribbons for surviving their Ordeal.

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