Updated: Jun 4, 2021
Horrifyingly mutilated remains of a victim of mass murderer Fred West have not been found at a café in Gloucester after a week in which police excavated the premises for unexpected vileness. These remains are too shocking to describe here, despite not being there.
The ghastly remains - almost certainly the work of a deranged psychopath with a bizarre sexual lust for human disfigurement - were pronounced absent by police Superintendent Mike Smythe late last night. He told reporters: ‘My officers were all psychologically prepared to discover long-rotted flesh, splintered bones, vestiges of human hair and horrifically stained clothing, hallmarks of a deranged psychopath with a perverted lust for brutal murdering of people. They did find some Lego windows and a fifty pence piece which is no longer legal tender, but these brought no solace.
He continued: ‘Yes there is a sense of anti-climax, if not disappointment that no brutally attacked victim or victims with indescribably shocking injuries was or were found, but the café’s egg chips and beans were partial recompense, and can we have a receipt please. And two teas.’