"I was just curtain-twitching as usual when I noticed four naked people stop at a field across the road", says Mrs Celia Hackett, 68, of Kent. "Naturally, I assumed they were just doggers, as they were all overweight and their car was a beige Mondeo. So I thought nothing more of it. Imagine my sense of betrayal when I found they'd left behind five bags full of unsorted household waste".
"These are not genuine doggers", says outraged dogging spokesman Chris Waley. "We have a strict code of conduct that forbids us from leaving anything at the scene except designated body fluids and maybe the odd vibrator battery if it's biodegradable".
Meanwhile, butcher Gordon Miffley was almost lynched when he was caught in the act of dumping 50kg of offal in the Devon countryside. "I tried to explain that it was part of our local council's Cultural Exchange Week", he says. "We tip our rubbish in an area of outstanding natural beauty while the doggers hold their orgies at the municipal recycling centre".