A Kremlin spokesman said: ‘We have erected a gaydar in Red Square to prevent the spread of flamboyant outbreaks. Puff pastries are clearly a sign of decadence, designed to sap our rampant heterosexuality. With every delicious bite of their chocolate glaze, innocent Russians move further down the Kinsey scale. The next thing you know, you’re balls deep in a candy dome – shaped like Celine Dion’.
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