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Putin ‘quivering’ in fear over Sunak slurs



Vladimir Putin has tasked his spy agencies with attempting to infiltrate CCHQ to find out what stinging epithets Rishi Sunak might have planned for him.


‘When Vladimir heard that the Leader of the Opposition in the Mother of Parliaments had been called “Sir Softie” he went white’, a spokesman said. ‘Putin is tough – very tough – but in the face of such genius he has no defences. He would rather wrestle with a tiger than face the famous British wit’.


A focus group spent several days brainstorming the “Sir Softie” line. Conservative clubs around the country are selling mugs and tea towels branded with the line, though we’d suggest waiting until May 2024 to buy one – they’re bound to be cheaper in the closing down sale.


Winston Churchill’s ghost is said to have stopped haunting Westminster now that he has a worthy successor. Some Shakespeare scholars have switched allegiance to Sunak, though – as with the bard himself – there is considerable debate about whether Rishi wrote the brilliant line himself. ‘I heard that Sunak only wrote part of the line, though whether that was the “Sir” or the “Softie” I can’t say’, a spokesman for the Conservative Party said.


Whoever crafted the line, we can only imagine the despair which Keir Starmer must be feeling right now – and his terror at what lies in wait for him next Wednesday. The Mother of Parliaments indeed.



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