Rebekah Vardy has secured a lucrative job as a social commentator, as a result of her ongoing court case with Colleen Rooney, it has emerged.
Vardy will be employed by the tabloid press to provide her own tweet-length summaries of major news items, with a stipulation of at least one level 2 obscenity in each message, a source revealed.
‘She’s a natural’, said Mike McBride, Professor of Lexicology at the University of Lunn. ‘Her tweets and messages have a Shakespearean rhythm to them, combining the wit of Mark Twain with the sense of pathos of Moliere’.
‘That c**t needs to get over him/herself’ has that universality, invoking feelings of anger along with a sense of that underlying truth that we are all searching for’, continued McBride. ‘It can be applied to Boris Johnson, Vladimir Putin or Simon Cowell in equal measure. A kind of Everyman epigram for our age.’
Producing her first copy today, Vardy responded to the news that the UK economy had contracted by 0.1% last month: ‘UK plc growth rate is like a miniature chipolata. Last time I saw this much shrinkage was when Peter Andre’s Speedos came off after he jumped into a freezing North Sea’.