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Roy Keane's stony visage features in 70% of all nightmares

Much of the nation's bed wetting can now be attributed to the steely glare of the ex-midfielder, scourge of the razor and failed Boyzone auditionee - Mr Roy Keane. The withering look of disapproval that Mr. Keane inflicts on an unsuspecting public has been likened to the Medusa's stare or the kind of look a Headmaster would give you if you shat on his desk.

Born in a suburb of Cork, the young Roy was driven into the sea by terrified locals, calling upon the power of St. Patrick. He is even a recipient of the 'Scary Bearded Fundamentalist of the Year' award, beating entries from the Taliban and an unwaxed Mariah Carey.

Scientists say he is the main cause of cold sweats and studded imprints on your shins.Animals and Alf-Inge Håland have been known to whimper uncontrollably in his presence, and in 2001 in punched Nun in the face as she ate a prawn sandwich.

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