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Rudy Giuliani was not pleasuring himself, he was just applying hand sanitizer gel.

The lawyer for Trump’s personal lawyer explained: ‘Medical experts will attest that the men were administering emergency Covid protection, with a happy ending. As we know, Covid affects the penis first. If you think you may have been infected, its vital that smear the nether region in copious amounts of alcoholic lubricant. Ideally, in close proximity to a pretty lady-nurse – just in case you need a second opinion or a hand.’

Through a series of graphs and dick-pics scientists showed how thanks to the quick thinking of Giuliani many lives were saved, and teenage pregnancies avoided. Asked if Mr. Giuliani’s actions would embarrass the Trump campaign, an incredulous spokeswoman said: ‘Have you met the candidate?’

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