Courses will inspire the young and cull the weak. Lecturers come from a range of criminal backgrounds including prostitution, gun smuggling and the Banking sector. Each will be uniquely qualified to advise on how to survive in the post-apocalyptic jobs market. Early modules will include ‘How to skin a Rat’, ‘Insulating lofts with Faeces’ and ‘Human Flesh: Tastes like Chicken?’.
The University will allow candidates to spend a gap-year in an abattoir, war-torn Syria or Ed Miliband’s Press Office. Each term will have a summative assessment, with students being thrown into a locked examination hall for four weeks, with only rudimentary weapons. Whoever emerges with all their limbs intact will be awarded a first-class PPE and allowed to hold the conch.
‘If we’ve learnt anything from the X Factor, overcoming adversity is what brings out talent,’ explained a Department of Education spokesman. ‘We want fragile, abused and vulnerable young adults to take these life lessons and channel it into a meaningful career path. Hopefully – preying on the fragile, abused and vulnerable. Remember, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Unless it’s asbestos. Asbestos will pretty much kill you every time’.