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  • Writer's pictureClare

Second Coming set for Christmas as UK populated by infidels

A recent Census report shows a dramatic drop in Christians and a sharp rise soulless ne'er-do-wells. Most of the UK identifies as fornicating heathens, with a penchant for watching the footy on a Sunday. A Fallen One remarked: ‘It’s alright being an infidel. I get to stay up late, wear odd socks and have extra sugar with my tea’.

‘I thought it was about time he did the rounds again as it’s been about 1,992 years,’ said the Archbishop of Canterbury. ‘With the advent of social media people want new, jazzy content and that’s quite challenging when your only material is from 1200 BC.

‘In discussion with God, we thought Christmas would be the perfect timing for the second coming as a nice call back to the Bethlehem days. Unfortunately, he’s missed the Christmas lights switch-ons in most towns, which would’ve been a great PR op, but we’re confident we can drum-up excitement when he arrives - get a few miracles going over an ‘insta-live’.’

Billy Reed, a student from Reading who answered ‘atheist’ on the Census 2021, said: ‘Who’s Jesus? Is he friends with Kanye West?’

His girlfriend, who identified as ‘spiritual’ in the questionnaire, said: ‘So Father Xmas is real! Does this mean he’s actually going to come down our chimney? I need to get that on TikTok.’

Missionaries are to be sent to the UK, to bring the unbelievers back into the faith, using the power of free Easter eggs. The Archbishop of Canterbury has threatened to burn Jedis at the stake. While the Pope has ordered a crusade against anyone who likes Heavy Metal.

God commented: ‘To be fair, I stopped believing in the UK years ago’.

Author: clare,

H/T: Wrenfoe

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