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Shock, as politician attends football match without his photographer

Ticket sales reveal that for the Euro Final, half of Wembley’s seats are allocated to MPs ‘on a freebie’ and the other half to their press secretaries. Sadly, one unnamed backbencher, has forgotten to bring his camerawoman, rendering the whole ninety minutes a complete waste of everyone’s time.

Said the MP: ‘I thought I’d arranged everything. Oversized football shirt to wear over my suit. Check. Pint of working-class liquid, to hold – but not drink. Check. Selfie with Frank Skinner and that other fellow. Check. And then I looked for my official photographer and instead, just found some gormless football fan, painted red and white, leering back at me.

‘This means no carefully choreographed, spontaneous moments of joy. And normally, if I’d forgotten to cheer for a goal, my photographer would have asked the players to replay the previous five minutes.

‘Instead, I’ve got to sit through this insipid nonsense, while Boris and Keith leap around in front an entire production team, pretending they know which team they’re cheering for. How am I going to prove I’m in touch with normal people now? My God, I might actually have to meet one – what a ghastly thought!’

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