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Starmer had a curry, a pint and a car park straightener

Durham police have reopened an investigation into Keir Starmer because of a straightforward punch up in a car park rather than Covid regulations according to one eyewitness. Labour intern Jodie Johnstone said 'Keir insisted we follow all the Covid rules of the time in case he had to self-isolate for the hundredth time. Then someone said something about Angela Rayner's legs and he lost it. He shouted "Get my deputy's name out of your mouth" then they went outside and he walked over and slapped the guy.'

A spokesman for Starmer said 'This [curry, lager and a fight] is some relatable content from Starmzy, perfect for the proletariat. Could more of you vote Labour please. Oh sorry, am I boring you? Do you want some? I said do you fucking want some?'

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