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Starmer: 'We cannot afford to clap for nurses'

With the threat of strike action, politicians have made it clear that nurses will not get a rise in applause or other meaningless gestures. 'If anything, nurses are overpaid in claps and should settle for a firm handshake instead.'

Starmer made it clear that he would end migrant nurses stealing our native claps. But he insisted that there were no extra claps to give, not since the last season of Mrs Brown's Boys.

Nurses using food banks, are now forced to visit zoos to search for left over claps at the seal enclosures. By contrast Premier footballers earn ten of thousands of claps everytime they walk on the pitch.

Said one nurse: 'All of my claps are second hand now. I'm surviving on a 50% reduction. It's literally the sound of one hand clapping.'

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