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Striking midwives advise patients to ‘cross their legs and hope’

Naturally MPs, having received a 10% wage hike, were quick to point out how greedy midwives are asking for a 1% increase. The Health Minister remarked: ‘I can’t see what all the fuss is about – pulling a human being out of another human being – where’s the skill in that? Now, if it was a rabbit or a bunch of flowers - that would be impressive.’

The advice to any women who may have a small person tunnelling their way out, as if their uterus was Colditz, was to avoid spicy food and look out for the sensation of gushing water down your leg. One screaming mother-to-be said, between contractions: ‘You want me to wait? You’ve got to be joking! You try squeezing a melon out of your Jeremy Hunt!’

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