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Surgeons remove Hancock from Hancock’s butt

In a medical breakthrough that gives hope to hundreds of politicians with heads up their butts, surgeons have successfully removed a former health secretary from his rear end. The procedure was a medical first, showing light at the end of the tunnel for the entire front bench. Medical experts say the procedure was also used to remove a turnip from Therese Coffey, and Nadine Dorries from Boris Johnson.

Mr Hancock said: ‘Having one’s head stuck up one’s butt is stressful and debilitating, but it wasn’t actually my fault. It was shoved-up there by circumstances beyond my control. I can honestly say, with hand on heart, that I stuck my head up my butt to raise awareness of dyslexia.’

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Stonehenge returned to bronze age

Although it is unclear what the fault is, a Neolithic circle known as Stonehenge has been returned to the Bronze Age. This leaves the only remaining ancient artefact in our time which is five thousand


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