• NickB

Taliban ban Matalan; Matalan bans Taliban

The Taliban and Matalan have increased the distance between each other in an act of mutual banning. ‘The Taliban-Matalan ban pre-dated the Matalan Taliban ban’ claimed Mohammed Smythe, the Taliban’s head of Retail Acquisition. Meanwhile a man from Matalan said Matalan’s Taliban ban had come first.

Irrespective of who banned whom when, the mutual banning has left high street watchers and middle east correspondents scratching their heads. ‘The fashion and homeware retailer offers attire and household goods at prices that are hard to resist, even by a hardline quasi-political group known for colourful fabrics and unorthodox views about womenswear,’ said one insider.

Meanwhile a Matalan spokesman has declared that staff have repeatedly had to ask members of the Taliban to leave Matalan or surrender assault rifles, whips and swords with G4 security guards while they browse mattress toppers, garden furniture and non-stick cookware at unrepeatable prices. The chain has decided to end the to and fro arguments with the shopping-mad militia. To and fro arguments that canny Matalaniacs refer to as a ‘Taliban-a-ding dong’.

In a separate development Australian movie maker George Miller has inked a deal for an all action yarn that combines mass discount retail with high octane thrills, to be called TK Mad Max.

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