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The Director of Public Prosecutions wants more criminals but less crime

The Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) said: ‘Yes, we want more victims to come forward to the police. But, obviously, not if they’re making it up. We want more attackers prosecuted. But not if they’re innocent. So, what we’re saying, from a statistical point of view, it would be really handy if all criminals – who know they’re guilty – could hand themselves in at the nearest police station with a full confession. No time wasters, please.’

The CPS confirmed that criminals need to step up their game, but innocent people need to stop messing them about. ‘The only way to remove crime from our society is an increase in conviction rates. To do this we need more criminals behind bars, so ultimately we’re going to need more crimes...hold on…I mean…when we have less crimes we’ll have less trials…nope…that’s no good…damn it! You know what I mean!’

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