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The Real Man’s Top 10 tips for using the bathroom

Do you want to show the woman in your life what a fantastic specimen of manhood you are? It’s not just about how you behave in the bedroom! Show the lady how lucky she is to be shacked up with you by following this guide to using the bathroom:

1. When cleaning your teeth, admire your reflection as you flick toothpaste all over the bathroom mirror.

2. When shaving, always leave the sink covered in stubble, like some poor imitation of the Shroud of Turin.

3. When showering, leave the shower curtain open, so the bathroom floor gets covered by 2 inches of water.

4. Ensure the plug hole is left blocked with arse hair.

5. When using the toilet, leave the door open. Women find the sound of a man grunting one out or pissing like a racehorse a big turn on.

6. Animals in the wild mark their territory with urine - do the same in your bathroom by spraying piss all around the rim of the toilet, and the surrounding floor. Don’t flush when you’ve finished, and leave the seat up.

7. Alternatively, don’t bother lifting the seat in the first place - just piss all over it, and sprinkle with pubes.

8. When taking a dump, a real man leaves skid marks all down the back of the toilet bowl. Only a wimp would think of using a toilet brush afterwards, other than as an implement to break up a mega-turd that won’t flush. Oh, and It’s a sign of masculinity to leave the bathroom as stinky as possible, so don’t open a window when you’ve finished.

9. Never replace an empty toilet roll - you are a man and have more important things to do, like belching the theme tune to Match of the Day, or setting light to your farts.

10. Communication is vital in a relationship, so don’t forget to describe your bowel movements to her afterwards. She’ll really appreciate you telling her last night’s curry has given you ring sting.

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