Following the announcement that Tony Blair is ‘willing to help’, Israel and Hamas have declared an immediate ceasefire and expect to have a peace agreement in place by the weekend.
At a press conference, Israeli and Hamas representatives stated: “When we heard that Tony Blair might be involved we agreed we had to do something urgently. Things at the moment are bad but will get a lot worse if he starts having his statesman-like visions – not to mention his eye-watering consultancy fees.
"Look at what his wisdom did to Iraq. It will only take him to declare that either of us have Weapons of Mass Destruction and the Yanks will bomb us both to buggery. With their pinpoint surgical precision missiles, nowhere in the eastern Mediterranean is safe.
"What clinched it for us was David Cameron becoming Foreign Secretary. Having f**ked the UK with Brexit, it is certain he will want to insist Hamas have a referendum."