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Tories concede they have run out of things to break

After 14 years of Conservative government and with the country in the midst of recession and a confected race war, a Downing Street spokesman today conceded that they had simply run out of things to break:

‘Since 2010, the Conservative Party have been working tirelessly to take Broken Britain – and break it some more. The public expect nothing less of us. From needless austerity, to the idiocy of Brexit, to vandalising the NHS and wrecking the rail network, we are proud of our many achievements. But now, quite simply, we are getting to the point where we have nothing left to break or maliciously destroy - and need the public’s help.’

The Government went on to outline plans for a new Cabinet role - the Minister for National Ruination Opportunities - with a portfolio focussed on new and imaginative ways to destroy the social and economic fabric of the country. The new Minister - widely anticipated to be Jacob Rees-Mogg - has been tasked with seeking public help with original ideas for accelerating national decline.

Current suggestions are rumoured to include letting all prisoners out to roam the streets, banning any phone calls between Britain and overseas and selling Buckingham Palace to the Americans. The Government are expected to discuss the very dumbest ideas in their forthcoming Spring Budget.

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