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Tories now 'focusing on coronation' as there is much gushing and flag hugging to get done

A senior Downing Street spokes-deflector has announced in the last hour: 'What election? Conservative party ministers are straining every sinew to focus on the national priority of rabid nationalism. That's what 107% of all people in this great land want us to do, and that is what we will deliver.

'Jacob Rees-Mogg is leading a special Party training session on how to royally gush beyond the point of event horizon cringe. Slightly grovelly is just not going to cut it. Boris Johnson will be showing fellow backbenchers how to properly hump union flags. And Suella Braverman has commanded Border Force to blockade all British exits, preventing the patriotically challenged from leaving the country, so that they may experience the full splendour of what Britain does best. Stop the votes!'

In the interests of political balance, NewsBiscuit is also obliged to report that in a rare moment of Lib Dem limelight, they still managed to turn what should have been a glorious victory into an epic press stunt clock-up.


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