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Tories to extend voting franchise to the dead

In order to improve their electoral chances from 'infinitesimal' to 'still pretty unlikely' a covert Tory plan will extend the voting franchise to the dead, on the basis that people get more right wing as they get older.

In a paper labelled 'TOP SECRET – ON NO ACCOUNT SHARE ON WHATSAPP OR WITH SCOTT BENTON', a strategy is set out involving seances, modelling and technology. The goal is to establish the voting intentions of thousands of the deceased, so that they’re recorded as postal votes in key constituencies.

It’s well-known at Westminster that the Tories already have a well-developed séance capability, owing to a group of members feeling the need to channel Mrs Thatcher on a daily basis.

However, the paper also describes 'using special ultrasonic technology', in order to detect 'intra-crypt corporeal gyration', which may be a feature of the recent dead in the 'Red Wall seats'. In these circumstances, the additional spinning noise will make it too difficult to determine the voting preference, so these votes will be treated as 'spoilt'.

In contrast, modelling, using data on people’s voting preferences while alive, appears to have struck some initial problems. An internal audit of the 'Horizontal' model shows significant cases of counting votes of people who are still alive, along with 'various insects' and 'a wheelbarrow'.

In addition, the paper makes it clear that little opposition from the Electoral Commission is expected. At one point, the author(s) states 'we’ve cut them back and restricted their powers so significantly, we’ll just target the action for when he’s on his holidays.

Mrs Thatcher and Michael Gove (Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities, which oversees elections) were both approached for comment. In response, there were incoherent mutterings and groanings, whilst there was no comment from Mrs Thatcher.


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