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Tories urge nurses to be Sexy Nurses if they want a pay rise

The NHS is part of the Anti-Growth Coalition, with its ‘socialist tendencies’ to ‘help’ and ‘keep people alive’ – so claims an internal Conservative party memo. ‘Clap for them publicly but vote against pay rises. The Health Service is not the right kind of expensive for the magic money tree, unless those skirts show a bit of leg, what ho?’

One Tory MP said ‘I am regularly spanked by a dominatrix in PVC, who wears a Margaret Thatcher mask and screams, ‘the lady’s not for turning’ and ‘the pie is growing’ in between flagellations. Oh yeah! The NHS waiting list for this is outrageous - I need nanny's discipline now! The only kind of rise those strumpets, I mean nurses, are getting from me, is from my honourable member if they sex it up a bit. The nurse that removed a vacuum cleaner from my rear end was wearing more than lingerie and was not amused by me or my ‘sucks like a Dyson’ joke which gets solid gold guffaws at the golf club and Tufton Street.’

Nurse Amy Armstrong said ‘I’ve only had to take weird things out of people’s bums a few times in my career. But that is still a few times too many. The last few years have seen relentless erosion of our pay and conditions - Carry on Nursing, don't make me laugh. I could probably make more money as a strip-o-gram and I’ve already got the uniform. Anyway, I’m not saying I would hold a pillow over Jacob Rees-Mogg’s face until he stopped begging for nanny. But I’m not saying I wouldn’t.’

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