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Torture on USA’s New Year Resolution List

Like most people in January, the CIA’s counterterrorism unit are expected to give up on water-boarding binges and chocolate. A spook said: ‘We’re not getting dragged into any more illicit activities. We 100% guarantee. Cross-my heart and hope to...well, not me personally. If anyone’s going to die, it’ll be some fella in an orange onesie’. Complained one Guantanamo Bay inmate: ‘It’s so difficult to give up on rectal feeding. It’s just so moreish.

A CIA spokesperson was non-committal: ‘Torture is such an emotive term and can easily be taken out of context. We prefer the phrase – doing the f$ck what we like. We’re not sexually abusing this prisoner, we’re doing what the f$ck we like. You see? It’s a much more enabling statement. More positive. Like Nike’s ‘Go For It’.

‘Yes, we used to put Nazis on trial for this sort of thing. Yes, it’s prohibited by international law. But that was before we realised how addictive it really was. Human rights are like saying you’re going to the gym. Everyone makes these big promises in the New Year, but it’ll be some other sucka who ends up in a stress position’.


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