"Let's Kill Kids" is going to be next year's Conservative election campaign slogan, according to party strategist Lucretia Malmsey, speaking at an "elite briefing session" in the bar of the Hilton Manchester at 2am this morning.
"Young people nowadays are all snowflakes" drawled the 33-year-old Eton-educated policy advisor, oblivious to something that looked rather like snowflakes dribbling out of her nose, "and children - yuk! Noisy, whiney screen addicts. Who can't vote."
She outlined the "quick quick slow" policy platform:
Quick - increase speed limits on residential streets "where data shows most kids live";
Quick - let schools fall on them;
Slow - scrap the home energy efficiency taskforce - and "conserve Britain's historic stock" of lethally mouldy, cold and damp houses - "only Labour voters live in them anyway";
Even Slower - scrap support for any form of low carbon transport "to accelerate climate breakdown after all our members are all dead anyway".
"It's bold, it's bullsh!t, it's thrillingly psychopathic - so the press will love it" confided Ms Malmsey "and unlike most political slogans, we actually mean it!"